Helping a loved one cope

[Dawn]

Caregivers play a critically important role in the lives of people with pain. Caregivers provide a great deal of emotional and practical support. Far too often, though, that role may be overlooked or minimized. We frequently become caregivers by default. We may be the parent, adult child or family member who lives the closest or "has time." We don't train to become caregivers, but rather learn about it on the job. Few experiences prepare us for the burdens and rewards of caring for someone else with pain.

Pain is one of the hardest aspects of coping with a loved one's medical diagnosis. Caregivers may not always be included or involved in health care decisions for the person with pain. Caregivers may feel helpless, sad, depressed, angry, guilty, or isolated, and those feelings of isolation can increase with the duration of caregiving. Caregiving is a difficult job and many caregivers show symptoms of psychological and physical stress, especially when caregiving continues over a long period of time. The competing demands for your time can be overwhelming. Sometimes the burden of caregiving is too much to handle, whether you're involved in the person's day to day life or are providing long-distance caregiving. Both are incredibly stressful. It is so important to acknowledge that that your emotional responses are normal. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

[jj]

When I first brought Mom to live with me she was in horrible, horrible pain. I was beside myself on what I could do to help until we found the right pain medication that really worked.

I would often resort to rubbing her back and trying to do massage to help her relax. It was important because someone in extreme pain can actually make things far worse by becoming very tense and the pain can then escalate. Initially, I didn't know what the heck I was doing since I had no official training in message therapy. I knew that it was important the direction I was messaging but wasn't positive what that direction was.

This video may help although I can't seem to find the one I used at the time when I was trying to learn how to do it right.

How to give a massage

As you may note in that video they have relaxing music playing. I tried that trick too but found that at a certain point it more annoyed her and made things worse. If I started relaxation things before it escalated to the point she was almost out of her mind in pain, the music seemed to help.

I also found that just talking would take her mind off of things.

Another thing I found that helped her relax was brushing her hair.

Or just holding her hand or simply touching, hugging.

Of course each person is different so doing the above things may not help but each worth a try. If nothing else it will give you something to do rather than standing around feeling helpless.

Thinking back to those early days I often spent hours with her, rubbing her back, and would often resort to laying on her bed just so I could be there if she needed me. I actually think just me being near was a comfort. There is nothing worse than being totally alone with your pain. I'm so glad those days are behind us, at least for now, because it was very wearing on me but so worth it in the end.